The 10 Commandments Of Jeremy Clarkson
The 10 Commandments Of Jeremy Clarkson
Jeremy Clarkson, the enormously tall, bouffant-haired presenter of Top Gear is a simple man. Loved by millions, he is guided only by Ten Commandments. No, not the Old Testament Commandments; something far more relevant that he probably wrote on the back of a fag packet, and keeps in the back pocket of his stone-washed jeans.
Luckily we managed to get hold of a copy of them, so read on if you want to live your life according to the rules of Clarkson!
1. Thou Shalt Not Walk Anywhere
A simple one. You must always drive wherever you are going. Walking is for Guardian-readers, public transport is for poor people and cycling is for people like Richard Hammond, and you don't want to be like him, do you?
If your route is blocked by, say, a pavement or a doorway, then just buy a micro-car like an old Messerschmitt. Yes, it's very small, and no, it hasn't got a stonking great V8 engine in it, but it's small enough to fit into your office lift and if it means that you'll never have to walk again...
2. Thou Shalt Not Use The Devil's Fluid
No, not that; I mean diesel. Not only do diesel-powered cars smell funny and make a horrid noise, they are too slow.
In his book Born to be Riled he says of a diesel driver: "he drops a cog to get that hideously inefficient engine into the upper echelons of its miserable power band ... it's hard to tell he's done this because, obviously, there's no discernible change in pace." 'Nuff said?
3. Thou shalt Not Visit Norfolk
I'm not sure why he detests Norfolk so much but it might have something to do with it having no motorways, hardly any petrol stations and being impossible to get to. You'd think that being home to Lotus Cars would have changed his mind, wouldn't you?
But no, even being the home to the Elise and Exige isn't enough to stop him from saying that you should avoid it unless you like "orgies and the ritual slaying of farmyard animals".
4. Thou Shall Worship Bob Segar
Clarkson is famous for his love of dodgy 1970s prog-rock but when asked what six CDs he'd have in his autochanger for a drive across Europe five out of the six were Bob Segar. (The sixth was the Doobie Brothers, in case you were wondering.)
5. Thou Shalt Not Drive Front-Wheel Drive Cars
Clarkson loves his rear-wheel drive cars and won't drive anything else – unless, of course, it's an Alfa Romeo, or a Peugeot 205 GTI, or a VW Polo GTi, all of which can be forgiven for their inability to shred their rear tyres while doing doughnuts...
6. Thou Shall Worship The Range Rover
A big V8 petrol engine, British-made (just), go-anywhere ability, and the eco-mentalists hate them. He dedicated his book Driven to Distraction to "Everyone who made my Range Rover" and went on to say "Well done chaps. It's brilliant."
7. Thou Shall Be As Offensive As Possible About Foreigners
If you go to America then you must refer to it as the "Land of the brave ... home of the dim", in Vietnam you must remind them of the war and in Holland you must assume that everyone takes drugs and indulges in man-love.
Germans are "Nazis", Koreans all eat dogs and the Mexicans are "lazy" and Mexico "doesn't have an Olympic team... because anyone who can run, jump or swim is already across the border".
His most offensive comment, though, was reserved for Ethiopia, when he said that a particular car: "should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite."
8. Thou Shall Worship The Toyota Hilux
As well as getting him, James May and half-a-dozen Quail's eggs to the magnetic North Pole (and beating Hammond there, which was the best bit) Clarkson also tested another Hilux by crashing it, burning it, drowning it and dropping it off a tower block, none of which could kill it.
The remains (still capable of being driven) are displayed in the Top Gear studio.
9. Thou Shall Run A Dictatorship
The Top Gear "Cool Wall" is the very model of good taste. The test "would Kristin Scott Thomas be impressed if you picked her up in it?" (although Kristin has been replaced recently by Fiona Bruce after she displayed some odd attitudes towards cars and said that she owned a Honda Civic...) is rigorously applied and Hammond and Clarkson generally agree on what's cool and what isn't.
However, if they disagree then Clarkson has the casting vote as he claims that he never said that Top Gear was a democracy. (He will also put the cards high up to stop Hammond moving them too!)
10. Thou Must Hate Piers Morgan
Piers ran two pictures in The Mirror showing Jeremy allegedly kissing a woman. Jeremy responded by punching him in the face at the British Press Awards and throwing water over him during Concorde's last flight. Mind you, doesn't hitting Piers just make us love him even more?
Haha tega pa še nisem prebral, zakon:BigThumbs:
:BigThumbs:
Taboljših petnajst minut branja zadnje cajte!
Lepo bi blo, če bi imeli prevod, mogoče nekateri ne vejo za kaj se gre...
@gule, si bom jaz vzel nekaj časa, pa ti prevedem tole, čeravno je v originalu boljše, sploh za tiste, ki vemo, kakšen je JC na Top gear-u=)
Evo, moj prevod, malo prosto po Prešernu:
10 Zapovedi Jeremya Clarksona
Jeremy Clarkson, gromozansko velik, čudno-lasi voditelj oddaje Top Gear je preprost človek. Milijoni ga obožujejo, void pa ga samo njegovih 10 zapovedi. Ne, ne zapovedi iz Stare zaveze; nekaj veliko bolj relevantnega kar je verjetno napisal na hrbtno stran škatlice čikov in nosi s seboj v hlačnem žepu njegovih spranih kavbojk.
Na srečo smo se dokopali do kopije, tako da bo tudi vaše življenje lahko sledilo njegovim zapovedim.
1. Nikamor ne boš hodil peš
Preprosta. Kamorkoli greš, se moraš peljati. Hoja je za bralce Guardiana (UK časopis), javni transport je za revne, kolesarjenje pa je za ljudi kot Richard Hammondmenda nočeš biti takšen kot je on?
Èe je tvoja pot blokirana z, recimo, pločnikom ali vrati, pač kupiš kakšen mikro avtek kot je stari Messerschmitt. Ja, zelo je majhen, in nima hudega V8 motorja, ampak je dovolj majhen, da gre v dvigalo tvoje pisarne, in hrati pomeni, da ne boš več nikamor šel peš.
2. Ne boš uporabljal hudičeve tekočine
S tem mislim na dizla. Ne samo, da dizli čudno smrdijo in grozno ropotajo, prepočasni so.
V njegovi knjigi Born to be Riled o vozniku dizla pravi: "prestavi v nižjo prestavo da tisti obupno neučinkoviti motor spravi v višje vrtljaje njegove obupne krivulje moči... težko je opaziti, da je to storil, ker itak ni opazne razlike v hitrosti".
3. Ne boš obiskal Norfolka
Ne vemo, zakaj tako sovraži Norfolk, verjetno zato, ker nima avtoceste, komaj kakšno bencinsko pumpo, in nasplošno je tja nemogoče priti. Èlovek bi mislil, dab o spremenil mnenje, če je tam dom Lotus Cars (tovarna).
Ampak ne, čeravno je dom Elise-a in Exige-a, še vedno pravi, da se mu izognite, razen če so vam všeč "orgije in ritualno klanje domačih živali".
4. Oboževal boš Bob- Segar-ja
Nek čuden progresivni-rock bend iz 70ih, s katerim je obseden, ne bom nakladal=).
5. Ne boš vozil avtov s sprednjim pogonom
Clarkson obožuje zadaj gnane avtomobile, in ne vozi ničesar drugega, če ni ravno Alfa Romeo, Pežo 205Gti ali vw Polo Gti, ki se oddolžijo za nezmožnost uničevanja zadnjih gum med vrtenjem na mestu.
6. Oboževal boš Range Rover-ja
Velik V8 motor, Britanski (komaj), pelji-se-skoraj-kamorkoli zmožnost, in eko-zanesenjaki jih sovražijo.
Njegovo knjigo Driven to Distraction je posvetil "Vsem, ki so naredili mojega Range Roverja" in napisal "odlično opravljeno fantje, super je".
7. Do tujcev boš žaljiv, kot je le mogoče
Èe greš v Ameriko, jo moraš imenovati Dežela pogumnih...dom neumnih, v Vietnamu jih moraš konstantno spominjati na vojno, na Nizozemskem moraš sklepati, da vsi jemljejo droge in prakticirajo moško-ljubezen (tega ne znam dobro prevest=)).
Nemci so "Naciji", vsi Korejci jedo pse, Mehičani so "leni" in mehika "Nima olimpijskega moštva...ker so vsi, ki znajo skakati ali plavati že zdavnaj čez mejo".
Njegov najbolj žaljiv komentar je rezerviran za Etiopijo, ko je rekel, da "se je potrebno nekega avtomobila izogibati kot nezaščitenega sexa z Etiopijskim transvestitom".
8. Oboževal boš Toyoto Hilux
Poleg tega, da je njega, Jamesa Maya in pol ducata prepeličjih jajc spravila na magnetni severni tečaj (in spotoma prehitela Hammonda, kar je najboljši del), je Clarkson testiral drugega Hiluxa tako, da ga je zaletel v drevo, zažgal, utopil v morju in vrgel z vrha stolpnice... nič od tega ga ni ubilo.
Ostanek (še vedno vozen) je na podstavku v Top Gear studiju.
9. Vodil boš diktaturo
Top Gear "Cool Wall" (kul stena) je pravi model dobrega okusa (njegovega).
Èe se Clarkson in Hammond kdaj ne strinjata glede tega, kaj je kul, vedno odloča Jeremyev glas, ker nikoli ni rekel, da je Top Gear demokracija (ali pa pač slike nalepi tako visoko, da jih Hammond ne doseže in zatorej ne more prestaviti drugam!).
10. Sovražiti moraš Piersa Morgana
Piers je v The Mirror (časopis) objavil dve fotografiji, na katerih Jeremy domnevno poljublja drugo žensko (drugače je poročen). Jeremy je odgovoril tako, dag a je na podelitvi British Press Awards udaril v obraz in ga polil z vodo na zadnjem Concordovem letu.
:BigThumbs:
No to je pa fino in ne da kolonijalnega jezika ne bi razumel, ampak mi se ni dalo prevajati...hvala Jogador!